date is set

so today we set the date to induce the lil guy at 39 weeks. I will go in Monday 11/23 at 6pm to have my cervix preped and spend the nightand Dr. G will start induction on Tuesday morning with pitocin. Hopefully we can start slow and he can be delivered Wed by Dr. D.

fingers crossed all goes well!

today we went in for my 37 week check with my OB. Seems my blood pressure was high and I had retained 5 pounds of fluid from the week before. So I was sent over to Labor and Deliver (jeesh) for some tests. They did an ultrasound to check the fluids around the baby, did 30 minutes of him on a HR monitor and monitored my BP for 1 hour. They took some blood for platelet count and liver function. Those came back OK so he decided to put me on some meds to try and bring the BP down. I go back for observation friday. So fingers are crossed for him to cook a couple more weeks. Plus OB put me on 'limited activity' which means couch chilling until further notice. Poo!

5 weeks to go

i'm getting close and feeling the slowdown. We had a beautiful baby shower this past weekend graciously hosted by Rita and Parker. Now i'm very excited to begin nesting but still have some obstacles in the way. J has been very busy and I need his muscle to get most things accomplished. Its quite frustrating - especially for me - to not be able to move and haul stuff.

The 'smidge' is running out of room and i've had a few days of Braxton Hicks contractions and he's been getting the hiccups. Poor lil guy.

But all in all - i'm happy to report a very non-eventful pregnancy.

32 weeks 3 days

So the lil man is set to arrive in less than 8 weeks. He is sure making his presence known these days by kicks and jabs pretty much constantly. I don't think he means them viciously but he's definitely running out of room. My first shower is this weekend and I'm stoked to share this moment with so many close friends. Many of whom I've watched become parents over the years and been envious.

We are feeling the pressure of a name. It's a big responsibility to give a person a name to live up to. Hopefully one of the ones we've narrowed to will fit him. But we will wait to see which one seems to fit best before we commit.

The nursery is also something that is being procrastinated. I hope to have it set mostly by the first of november.

yay BOY!!

so today we got an official confirmation that 'smidge' is in fact a lil boy! He looked great on the sonogram and can tell how active he is already. He is in constant movement and sometime his nudges can be quite painful. But i'm thrilled to death to be having a son.

boy?

so we went back to the doc yesterday for my recent check up and lo and behold it seems our little 'smidge' has a penis! The first check was early at 17 w 6d. And the legs were closed and tightly tucked so the lack of seeing something usually causes an assumption of it being a girl. this time there was what looked like a scrotum and penis. So our doc was so flustered after last time giving us a 85% girl that he was hesitant to confirm a 100% Boy. So he decided to just look again in 4 weeks. I guess as the baby gets bigger it ets easier to tell for sure. but really we won't know for sure until 'smidge ' comes out.

Either was 'smidge' is healthy and even showed us a nice big yawn on screen! Plus he is seriously Kung Fu fighting in there.

movement

'smidge' is now 20 weeks and 5 days. tonite he attended his first Harry Potter film (Half Blood Prince) and his first film in utero. he was a bit active during the previews but settled in during the film. J got to feel him for the first time this morning when i got a series of swift kicks, bold enough for him to feel. he's actually very active now and enough for me to notice daily.

The other milestone was his punch/kick/block i got during the fireworks the Gregory's set off in the backyard on July 4th in Marshfield.

new focus

After nearly a year of pursuing the adoption process to build our family, this pregnancy has now taken my focus. So this blog will now be about this current way to build our family.

The pregnancy part of the process I had planned to skip. It's actually quite strange to have your body change by itself (and not just by me over eating). For me it seems my baby bump is more like "baby hips and butt". I have to keep reminding myself this is real. We heard the heartbeat again yesterday at 14 weeks 3 days and I breathe a sign of relief every time its there.

12 weeks

So the news is finally out. My 12 week ultrasound on tuesday of this week shows a perfectly growing little human. I had my genetic prescreen this week and the outcome was "negative" for Downs and Trisomy 18.
I'm feeling much better. (I tended to have more night sickness) And my belly is definitely thickening , so it really makes it real now that I'm REALLY going to be a mom... sometime around the first of december officially.

heartbeat

today we got to see a tiny heartbeat.....

............and it was inside ME!

at 8 weeks 1 day we saw and heard a heartbeat of 162BPM. The feeling we have right now is something we never thought we would get the chance to feel. After all of this it seems the perfect scenario for the moment is "US".

With our history of a miscarriage in Dec 07 we are still on high alert. I will go back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound to see the progression.

*After my dizziness and near fainting in the hospital with "A" April 10th. I realized I had been feeling funny/sickish and then realized a hadn't had a period in awhile although my swollen breasts made me think it had been coming...but for a couple weeks? I took a pee test on Tuesday April 14th and all we could do was giggle. My mind had been so preoccupied on getting to know "A" I totally forgot about me!

failed match

On Friday April 10th we met "A" for a doctors appointment to determine if they could go forward with an induction. We met at 11 at the clinic. Her blood pressure was quite high and with her past experience with gestational diabetes, they were sure she had it this time as well and instructed us to go to the hospital. She needed to run home to take care of her other 3 children and make sure they were covered for care. We then picked her up from her house and drove her to the hospital. We checked her in at 2pm. and they did an exam and started her on Pitocin at 4pm.

At this time we learned she had JUST told her family about her plans for adoption. We knew this would now become a new part of the decision.

She still seemed content and we just tried to keep her company while we waited for the contractions to begin. she could see them on the monitor but she couldn't feel anything. Her water was broken at 10:20pm. and she then began to feel the contractions. When they kicked in we saw a big change in her. I was rubbing her head and helping her breathe and then I kept getting dizzy and having to sit down ;) even a few dry heaves... so embarrassing.

The baby boy was born at 12:45am on Saturday morning April 11th. 10 pounds 8 ounces and 22.5 inches long at 39 weeks. They had to dislocate his shoulder to get him out and it took a fews seconds for him to make a noise. "A" was unable to care for him as she was in severe pain as her uterus was trying to get back to size and since her medical problems they put her on Magnesium Sulfate which made her very nauseous. They handed the baby to John and I took care of her feeding her ice chips. at about 3:30 we took the baby to Nursery and "A" to her recovery room. I stayed with the baby in the nursery while they took his vitals and gave him a bath and I fed him some formula. I still kept getting dizzy and they found me some apple juice to bring my blood sugar back up. After the dislocation the baby had some xrays and he still was not able to move his right arm. he was very quiet and just seemed hungry. "A" had only had a candy bar that day so he was pretty starved for nutrition.

Around 5:30 he went for a nap and J and I did the same. We checked in on "A" at 7:30am and then went and brought the baby up from the nursery. we spent the day with her and the baby in her room. About 10 her entire family of about 10 people came so J and I excused ourselves to go have a shower and get some food. We knew this would possibly change things. After we got back she acted very normal but still difficult to read. A few hours later "A" received a call from her sister telling her their mother had informed the birthfathers family about the baby and they wanted to come visit. She told them no. I then decided this was getting messy for not only us but for "A" so I called our agency to ask what to do. They said they'd call her in the morning. "A" asked for the baby to go to the nursery about 10:30pm so we all bunked in the same room for the night and was good to get 8 hours of decent rest.

6:30am "A" asked for the nurse to bring the baby up from the nursery and then she put him in bed with her and started feeling him a bottle. We both caught onto this and she almost ignored us that morning. The agency called afew hours later and we stepped out to let them talk. Agency called me a bit later and told us she wanted us to leave her alone with the baby for a few hours so she could think. We went back ina nd she was crying and we let her know to do what she wanted and not think about us that we wanted what a truly best for her and the baby.

We thought about staying in the area as she requested but then realized we should just head home. I think we both knew the outcome and began to feel the same. It's always hard to say it worked out like it should but I think that is truly the case. I think we just really had so much respect for her we wanted what she wanted. Of course we would have loved him like our own but the fact she was willing to do just that makes it all OK.

I had a few moments of anger in the situation but think it was all the secrecy of her keeping her family out knowing they play a large part in her life. I hope they help her as our prayers are for her now. We got back on our feet rather quickly and the perfect scenario is out there for us.

one step closer

We were supposed to meet "A" this Thursday at her Hotel's grand opening. Unfortunately she was not feeling well. We'd rather her get some rest. So we planned to just talk later. She called this morning and was feeling better but said He is now down in the ready position and it's making her hips hurt but no contractions (though she hinted she wished!) We did receiver her Hospital Plan on Thursday also and that put our minds at ease a bit more. We talked a while today and she asked about if we were "ready". It was nice to hear her talk about it that openly. she hadn't done that before. she also mentioned she told her parents she said she "didn't tell them everything" I'm not sure what that means but it sounded like they were supportive. That also is one thing we were a bit worried about. So it seems like this is getting much closer to being a reality. She said she would call monday to make plans to meet on tuesday. She's going to try and get a doctors appointment for that day.

"A" called again yesterday. I had left her a message on Thursday to tell her she could call us anytime especially if she happen to begin Labor. She was cute she said she couldn't call back that night since her kids wanted to go to SF to eat dinner at a ribs place in Chinatown.

I know the agency still needs to get some details but I got the feeling she's just ready to get this going. She thinks they may induce her now but needs to reach the doctor. Her schedule changed again to 6-3 so maybe she will have more reachable time before she gets her kids from school. She wants to meet Thursday at her Hotels Grand Opening. I told her I'd like to go to doc with her if she would like. I hope she wants me to. It would help take some pressure off her and I'd love to be here for her during this.

I did mention "him" in our conversation in telling her I was getting ready with a bassinette and some clothes etc. She changed the subject so it lets me know she wants to not think about what brings us together.

As of this week I think she is 39 weeks so he should be here soon.

the next chapter

After so many ups and downs over the last week. Mostly because "A" was to call to set up another meeting. I left her a message on sunday and by tuesday we hadn't heard from her. I checked in with agency to see if they had heard from her. My heart was starting to think it was over. Too much time to think. J and V and I went for a long walk yesterday at 2:30 and on the way back "A" called. She apologized for not getting back to us (which I know the freak out is more my time schedule since she is so busy a cuple days is nothing). She told us she had an ultrasound and "he" was about 7lb 7 oz. at almost 38 weeks. And then finally told us she had chosen us to be his adoptive parents. She was wanting to tell us in person by presenting us with "slippers" (booties).Such a sweet gesture and on cue with the lovely person she is. I felt as though someone pulled the sidewalk right from under me. I could barely walk and my heart started beating fast as i knew we had finally gotten that much closer. I tried not to let myself jump to the end just know it was very close to being real. J was able to talk with her too and hearing her talk to him warmed my heart... with her genes and his parenting "he" is likely to be an amazing kid!

Of course we were elated. We have really become attached to her and were worried she didn't return the affection. Not that she ever said so much but she was a little hard to read in the matter. We both had already pictured our life with "him" in it and now can talk about those dreams out loud.

I immediately called our agency to ask if this was for real? They had known since last week she was going to pick us and had already let the other couple know. The next step is to get to some details... which hospital...when she wants us there... etc.

so the next chapter begins...

emo-coaster

DOWNs: today the agency emailed (bummer they didn't actually call!) and told us "M" decided to go with the couple she met over the weekend and will not be meeting any more families. Although I should be happy we made the initial cut it's still hard to be rejected before we even had a chance.

UPs: We met "A" again tonite for dinner. She opened up a lot more about herself, her job, her kids, her family... but I'm still concerned she still hasn't really talked about the whole adoption thing. I keep telling myself maybe she's just determining how comfy she feels with us. Maybe it's denial, maybe it's self preservation... She did say she wants to meet again and perhaps it's to put off the decision but we still really like her and would be happy to have her part of our 'family'. We have so many things we want to share with her when the time is right. Hopefully on our next meeting.

This process is just so unpredictable and frustrating. I know it will end in a baby someday but it's wrecking some serious havoc on my tummy.

Yesterday I was at our studio dreaming about "A". Our agency called me at 5pm to say there was another BM who wanted to talk with us. She is due about the same time as "A" in 4-6 weeks. I was oddly calm. Before when I received these calls my heart would come up into my throat and I'd get all shaky. This time I was excited. I think the situation with "A" has helped be get comfortable with this and know it's very REAL now. J and I will be parents... and perhaps quite soon. "M" sounds very sweet too. She also live about an hour away and we have played phone tag since last night but I'm hoping to talk to her today and set up a time to meet. She's older that "A" but I think a more typical 20something. I feel we can relate to her as well.

Monday 3/9

So Monday I went about my day trying not to think about or dinner plans with "A". I went to spin class and then piddled around to keep myself occupied. She lives about an hour away so we wanted to plan to leave at 3:30 to be sure we were there in plenty of time for 5:30 at Sizzler. I went over in my head how we would greet... what she would look like... etc. So we got ready and the phone rang at 3:30...it was her... my heart sank again. She just wanted to meet earlier of we could so we hopped in the car and I told I'd call her when we were there. The drive down was us trying to keep it lite.
We arrived at 4:45 I rang her to tell her we were in the parking lot and I got her VM. So we wait...she called quickly after and said give her 10 minutes. We sat staring at the parking lot entrance very intensely. And then I saw her... She caught my eye and gave a big grin and waved like we'd known each other years and Every muscle in my body relaxed. I had planned to shake her hand but as we walked towards her I reached out to hug her just as she did the same. She turned and warmly shook J's hand. They had never talked so that made sense.
She was taller than I'd imaged. 2 or 3 inched taller than me with soft warm skin and big brown eyes. She really didn't look too pregnant even though she was about 6 weeks away from her due date. She had a big t-shirt and jacket and just looked a bit round. She politely pushed me to order ahead and she in turn ordered the same thing. It was quite comfortable and we talked for about 2 hours. We had a nice talk about just stuff and then we began talking about the adoption aspect. It was good she brought it up. She's had this secret for so long that I perhaps once it comes out she may choose to parent. But after meeting her we truly want what is best for her regardless of what we want. And we left it at she would call us soon to set another time to talk or see her. She was starting her new job this week and getting her GED and has 3 children so her plate is quite full. But we really liked her and would be happy to have her in our 'family'.

saturday 3/7

my phone rang at 8am Saturday. It was "A". She apologized for not calling back she was tired and had fallen asleep the night before. She was happy to report she had just gotten a job and wanted to now meet Monday after her Orientation. So I tried to get myself back together and start looking up again.

friday 3/6

so it's been a bit since I wrote an update... my apologies
After our meetings with "A" were postponed 3 times I was starting to get weary. I had spoken with her on the phone several times and was starting to get quite comfortable with her. When I called her last Friday to confirm our meeting for Saturday she didn't answer. My heart sank. We went of to dinner at a friends where all 3 couples either had kids or were expecting. It was crushing. J and I both tried to put on a happy face. On the way home that night... I broke. I felt so rejected. I felt like i was in Junior High and had made what I thought was a good friend only to have her break up with me. It was childish but in retrospect I think it was necessary. I bawled and bawled and probably said some things to J in anger that were not especially true but embellished.

the waiting

The waiting is officially getting tough. We know from our agency our letter is going out, but so far we have no real potentials. I did read the book "The Kid" which was a fabulous account and quite hilarious view of this whole process. I keep telling myself our time will come but good grief lets get on with it already. I feel like i'm just sitting here watching the clock and wishing time away if it gets me closer. Being unemployed during this time too is either a blessing or a hindrance. I have too much "time" on my hands.

the day it almost was

Last night I spoke with our potential BM. She was sweet on the phone. Again our perfect situation. We made plans to meet on saturday at a park in Walnut Creek. I was giddy after getting off the phone although i was a bit shaky at the beginning of the conversation. I simply asked about her and he studies abroad etc.

I had trouble sleeping lat night as my mind was spining about her due date in 10 days.

My morning walk with the dog this morning was at 8. We received a call from our agency at 10am saying that "she" had gone into labor and to stay close to our phones. I got in the shower and could not stop sobbing. I think they were tears of joy that our "perhaps" baby "might" be born today.

I went off to lunch with some girlfriends and tried not to think about it. Although one has 2 kids and the other is pregnant with her second right on schedule. It made me sad I cannot control this part of my life. I thought I'd be a mom by now. However I might have been the one that was not realistic about it all either.

So after 6 hours I finally called our agency back to check in and they let us know "she" had chosen another couple. CRUSH!! The hospital had discouraged her from interviewing potential families today and she went with her initial gut that was a same sex couple.

I respect her decision. Oh but the day it almost was... one of the best days of my life. I know that day is coming but it cannot come too soon!

end of the month?

today we received a call from our agency about a potential BM who really likes us along with a few other families. Hearing her story put me more at ease about how this process can go. This one seems very easy, simple, and most likely a happy situation for all involved. I'm beginning to think happy thoughts about our future. I think we are both just "waiting" and perhaps our dreams are almost ready to come true.

I left the BM a VM and hope to hear back from her soon. We'd love to meet her and get to know her better.

i would be so thrilled to be a mommy by the end of the month!

a very grown-up decision

Last thursday I was on my way home from my volunteer gig at the Humane Society. I checked my iphone email and saw i had an email from a potential BM (birth mother). She had contacted us directly after a brief talk with our agency. When we heard her story - which she told us very openly via email - our first reaction was to rescue her. Her story was heart breaking but also included some things we had decided against initially. The more the thought and discussed we kept coming back tot he same conclusion she was just not the right fit for us. With an open adoption we know we are inviting this person into our family and this was a situation we just weren't comfortable.

This first contact let us have a glimpse at what we as a couple need to go through to make a very grown-up decision.

Intro

Our journey began back in May of 1995. When he asked me to marry him. We knew eventually we would want a family just not sure when and how. After 10 years of marriage and when my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer we determined that time was now. We tried the old fashioned way for over a year. The went in for testing which proved all was OK. After another year we decided to try science to give us a boost. My mother had taken Clomid to get PG with me and my sister. Luckily it worked the 2nd month but sadly only lasted a short time with a missed miscarriage. We then continued Clomid for the next 6 months in combination with IUI. That proved not to work so we decided that life was telling us something and we began to explore adoption. I was raised by my adoptive father and knew it was always something I wanted to do. Once we signed on with our agency in August 08 we knew a whole new world of possibilities was opening for us along with the new set of emotions. And here we begin...