"A" called again yesterday. I had left her a message on Thursday to tell her she could call us anytime especially if she happen to begin Labor. She was cute she said she couldn't call back that night since her kids wanted to go to SF to eat dinner at a ribs place in Chinatown.

I know the agency still needs to get some details but I got the feeling she's just ready to get this going. She thinks they may induce her now but needs to reach the doctor. Her schedule changed again to 6-3 so maybe she will have more reachable time before she gets her kids from school. She wants to meet Thursday at her Hotels Grand Opening. I told her I'd like to go to doc with her if she would like. I hope she wants me to. It would help take some pressure off her and I'd love to be here for her during this.

I did mention "him" in our conversation in telling her I was getting ready with a bassinette and some clothes etc. She changed the subject so it lets me know she wants to not think about what brings us together.

As of this week I think she is 39 weeks so he should be here soon.

the next chapter

After so many ups and downs over the last week. Mostly because "A" was to call to set up another meeting. I left her a message on sunday and by tuesday we hadn't heard from her. I checked in with agency to see if they had heard from her. My heart was starting to think it was over. Too much time to think. J and V and I went for a long walk yesterday at 2:30 and on the way back "A" called. She apologized for not getting back to us (which I know the freak out is more my time schedule since she is so busy a cuple days is nothing). She told us she had an ultrasound and "he" was about 7lb 7 oz. at almost 38 weeks. And then finally told us she had chosen us to be his adoptive parents. She was wanting to tell us in person by presenting us with "slippers" (booties).Such a sweet gesture and on cue with the lovely person she is. I felt as though someone pulled the sidewalk right from under me. I could barely walk and my heart started beating fast as i knew we had finally gotten that much closer. I tried not to let myself jump to the end just know it was very close to being real. J was able to talk with her too and hearing her talk to him warmed my heart... with her genes and his parenting "he" is likely to be an amazing kid!

Of course we were elated. We have really become attached to her and were worried she didn't return the affection. Not that she ever said so much but she was a little hard to read in the matter. We both had already pictured our life with "him" in it and now can talk about those dreams out loud.

I immediately called our agency to ask if this was for real? They had known since last week she was going to pick us and had already let the other couple know. The next step is to get to some details... which hospital...when she wants us there... etc.

so the next chapter begins...

emo-coaster

DOWNs: today the agency emailed (bummer they didn't actually call!) and told us "M" decided to go with the couple she met over the weekend and will not be meeting any more families. Although I should be happy we made the initial cut it's still hard to be rejected before we even had a chance.

UPs: We met "A" again tonite for dinner. She opened up a lot more about herself, her job, her kids, her family... but I'm still concerned she still hasn't really talked about the whole adoption thing. I keep telling myself maybe she's just determining how comfy she feels with us. Maybe it's denial, maybe it's self preservation... She did say she wants to meet again and perhaps it's to put off the decision but we still really like her and would be happy to have her part of our 'family'. We have so many things we want to share with her when the time is right. Hopefully on our next meeting.

This process is just so unpredictable and frustrating. I know it will end in a baby someday but it's wrecking some serious havoc on my tummy.

Yesterday I was at our studio dreaming about "A". Our agency called me at 5pm to say there was another BM who wanted to talk with us. She is due about the same time as "A" in 4-6 weeks. I was oddly calm. Before when I received these calls my heart would come up into my throat and I'd get all shaky. This time I was excited. I think the situation with "A" has helped be get comfortable with this and know it's very REAL now. J and I will be parents... and perhaps quite soon. "M" sounds very sweet too. She also live about an hour away and we have played phone tag since last night but I'm hoping to talk to her today and set up a time to meet. She's older that "A" but I think a more typical 20something. I feel we can relate to her as well.

Monday 3/9

So Monday I went about my day trying not to think about or dinner plans with "A". I went to spin class and then piddled around to keep myself occupied. She lives about an hour away so we wanted to plan to leave at 3:30 to be sure we were there in plenty of time for 5:30 at Sizzler. I went over in my head how we would greet... what she would look like... etc. So we got ready and the phone rang at 3:30...it was her... my heart sank again. She just wanted to meet earlier of we could so we hopped in the car and I told I'd call her when we were there. The drive down was us trying to keep it lite.
We arrived at 4:45 I rang her to tell her we were in the parking lot and I got her VM. So we wait...she called quickly after and said give her 10 minutes. We sat staring at the parking lot entrance very intensely. And then I saw her... She caught my eye and gave a big grin and waved like we'd known each other years and Every muscle in my body relaxed. I had planned to shake her hand but as we walked towards her I reached out to hug her just as she did the same. She turned and warmly shook J's hand. They had never talked so that made sense.
She was taller than I'd imaged. 2 or 3 inched taller than me with soft warm skin and big brown eyes. She really didn't look too pregnant even though she was about 6 weeks away from her due date. She had a big t-shirt and jacket and just looked a bit round. She politely pushed me to order ahead and she in turn ordered the same thing. It was quite comfortable and we talked for about 2 hours. We had a nice talk about just stuff and then we began talking about the adoption aspect. It was good she brought it up. She's had this secret for so long that I perhaps once it comes out she may choose to parent. But after meeting her we truly want what is best for her regardless of what we want. And we left it at she would call us soon to set another time to talk or see her. She was starting her new job this week and getting her GED and has 3 children so her plate is quite full. But we really liked her and would be happy to have her in our 'family'.

saturday 3/7

my phone rang at 8am Saturday. It was "A". She apologized for not calling back she was tired and had fallen asleep the night before. She was happy to report she had just gotten a job and wanted to now meet Monday after her Orientation. So I tried to get myself back together and start looking up again.

friday 3/6

so it's been a bit since I wrote an update... my apologies
After our meetings with "A" were postponed 3 times I was starting to get weary. I had spoken with her on the phone several times and was starting to get quite comfortable with her. When I called her last Friday to confirm our meeting for Saturday she didn't answer. My heart sank. We went of to dinner at a friends where all 3 couples either had kids or were expecting. It was crushing. J and I both tried to put on a happy face. On the way home that night... I broke. I felt so rejected. I felt like i was in Junior High and had made what I thought was a good friend only to have her break up with me. It was childish but in retrospect I think it was necessary. I bawled and bawled and probably said some things to J in anger that were not especially true but embellished.

the waiting

The waiting is officially getting tough. We know from our agency our letter is going out, but so far we have no real potentials. I did read the book "The Kid" which was a fabulous account and quite hilarious view of this whole process. I keep telling myself our time will come but good grief lets get on with it already. I feel like i'm just sitting here watching the clock and wishing time away if it gets me closer. Being unemployed during this time too is either a blessing or a hindrance. I have too much "time" on my hands.