road to four?

 It seems this saga of ours may not quite be over, just yet.

Our amazing son is 4.5 and we were completely at peace witho our family of three when 18 months ago I had a spontaneous pregnancy which ended up being a blighted ovum (which ended with a D&C). I had another blighted ovum this past fall and miscarried naturally on christmas day 2013. This past April I learned I was pregnant yet again. This time at 7.5 weeks there was a heartbeat. At 9 weeks there was a heartbeat. at 12 weeks we learned our growing little girl had an enlarged bladder and there were 2 cysts on the umbilical cord. The doctor made us assume it was a chromosomal issue and asked if we wanted a CVS. We had the  Harmony NIPT test which gave us great results that it was not Tri21, 18 or 13. We chose to wait 2 weeks and look again. at 13.5 weeks there was a heartbeat. at 14 weeks... there was not.

I had my D&E on July 16th and they sent the tissue away to find out what happened.

The hardest part of the whole scenario was telling G is little sister that had been growing in my tummy was no longer growing. I'm still not sure he understands. Honestly, I'm not sure I do either.

I'm 40 1/2 and I know there are issues that come with that alone but it seems I'm suddenly fertile for the first time and now my eggs are not at their prime.

We haven't decided how to proceed yet. During a conversation with J. I said something that later made me realize I was not ready to hang up the towel. I had said "I'd do this 100 times over if i knew it would eventually work." Physically I know i can I just need to decide if emotionally I can.

The other 2 recent ones had been no embryo so those were easier than this. We had fallen in love with the girl she would become. I trust there has to be a reason she was not meant for this, life but another. It set us on a path of hope which we had not dared to hope before.